Hello to all my Older Adults, Caregivers to Older Adults and friends, this blog post is written with you in mind, but can really be helpful for anyone.
Self-compassion can be a very tricky subject, and an ongoing learning curve for a lot of us. Some of my most favorite people who can be considered pioneers in this field are Dr. Kristin Neff and Brené Brown.
Dr. Neff provides a really comprehensive definition on exactly what Self-Compassion is and the Three Elements that comprise Self- Compassion:
Definition of Self-Compassion:
H
aving compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others’ suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”
Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.
Below are the three elements of self-compassion:
1. Self-kindness.
Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals. People cannot always be or get exactly what they want. When this reality is denied or fought against suffering increases in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness, greater emotional equanimity is experienced.
2. Common humanity.
Frustration at not having things exactly as we want is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – as if “I” were the only person suffering or making mistakes. All humans suffer, however. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. This equilibrated stance stems from the process of relating personal experiences to those of others who are also suffering, thus putting our own situation into a larger perspective. It also stems from the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. At the same time, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
On the website of Dr. Neff there is a really useful and insightful self-quiz to rate how much compassion you have for yourself. That test can be accessed by clicking here. The questions will score you in several areas, including:
※ Self-Kindness
※ Self-Judgment
※ Common Humanity
※ Isolation
※ Mindfulness
※ Over-Identification
※ Overall score
It then offers this information on the scoring:
Average overall self-compassion scores tend to be around 3.0 on the 1-5 scale, so you can interpret your overall score accordingly. As a rough guide, a score of 1-2.5 for your overall self-compassion score indicates you are low in self-compassion, 2.5-3.5 indicates you are moderate, and 3.5-5.0 means you are high. Remember that higher scores for the Self-Judgment, Isolation, and Over-Identification subscales indicate less self-compassion, while lower scores on these dimensions are indicative of more self-compassion (these subscales are automatically reverse-coded when your overall self-compassion score is calculated.)
She also offers some suggestions and exercises to use in order to help us increase our own levels of compassion for ourselves. You can access this section of her website by clicking here.
One major way we can both monitor and increase our level of Self-Compassion is through our SELF-TALK. Feelings of frustration can arise in ourselves for a wide variety of situations; however you can frequently find some type of maladaptive thinking that has the effect of increasing frustrating and lowering our self-compassion and that can prevent us from dealing with things better and more easily.
We're going to discuss five of the most common types of unhelpful thought patterns that can be common among caregivers. We'll list each example of the maladaptive patter, and then an example of a healthier thought can can be used to defend ourselves against negativity and help to increase our self-compassion.
(Just to keep things simple, we're going to use caregiving as the placeholder example in each)
※ Discounting the Positive: You overlook the good things about yourself and/or the situation in which you find yourself. In this example you might not allow yourself to feel good about yourself and your caregiving by having thoughts like this: I could do more or anyone could do what I do. A more adaptive, less negative response or thought pattern could be, Caregiving is not easy. It takes courage and strength to do this. I am not always perfect but I am trying.
※Over-generalization: You take one negative aspect or situation, characteristic and put the emphasis on only that. For example, you're getting ready to take your loved one to the doctor and your car won't start, you then conclude that this always happens and something always goes wrong. A more adaptive response or thought pattern could be, Usually my car is working just fine, at times things do not happen as I would like, but that doesn't say anything about me as a person or a caregiver.
※ "Should" statements: You try to motive yourself by using statements like, I should call my mother more often or I shouldn't go out because my mother might need me while I'm gone. Should statements are actually in conflict with what you want to do and this can lead to feelings of depression, guilt, frustration, etc. A less negative response could be I would like to go to a movie. It is ok for me to take a break from caregiving and enjoy my life- that does not make me a bad person.
※Personalizing: This refers to taking responsibility when things are beyond your control. An example of this issue could be blaming yourself if and when your loved one requires hospitalization or moving into an assissted care facility. A more adaptive thought could be Mom's condition has declined to a point where I can no longer safely care for her myself- it is not a reflection on any shortcoming that have resulted in this development.
※Labeling: You tend to identify yourself or other people with one characteristic, or based on only one action. For example, you wait to do the laundry and think I'm lazy. A more adaptive response could be I am not lazy. Sometimes I am tired and I'm doing as much as I can. And sometimes I need a break.
Brené Brown is a genius in social work research and some of the topics she explores are vulnerability, compassion, etc. I love all of her work and will likely be doing a Brené specific blog in the not too distant future but to end tonight's blog I wanted to share her ten guideposts for Whole Hearted Living:
The things discussed in this blog are definitely a process, not something that is incorporated into our lives over night. It is however something we are able to work on when we become conscientious of how we speak about and to ourselves. One of the best pieces of advice that I've received in my life is:
Do not talk to yourself in any way other than how you would talk to Tink.
(Tink is my precious kitty!)
That was really eye-opening for me because I wouldn't say most of the things I say in my head to my boy, so why am I saying them to myself of all people!
I hope that tonight's blog post is helpful. Occasionally we'll cover topics like this, I find it vital to our development as human beings to continually learn about and work on ourselves!
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This blog series is designed to help you
and your loved ones
Knowledge is Power!
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